Fear-Based Parenting can Lead to Parental Alienation
As a mother to four kids ranging from 19 to 9, I know firsthand the stresses, worry and confusion surrounding parenthood. Parenting is the toughest job any one of us will have, it’s 24/7 365. It’s placing someone else’s needs ahead of your own almost daily and not expecting any sort of reward. When parents get divorced, this adds to the hardship of parenting. There are more questions than answers let alone acceptance of the fact that, “I just fu*ked up my kids”. Often, co-parenting can be a course to mitigate some of the negative side effects of divorce induced onto children. When done well, co-parenting can enhance the child’s world and result in a larger support network, loving family members and overall positive attitude towards marriage and love. When done poorly, well…these outcomes are the same as if one parent was absent.
It’s not unheard of that control over the children is a point of contention. Insecurities, fear and undisclosed mental health issues may add to the “battle” over primary custodianship and the resource that follows that title. What was once two parents working in tandem to produce the best for their children may now be two separate parents with two completely different ideas of how the children should be raised. The point of no return in opinion, is who you decide to be during your divorce proceedings. So often we see divorce settlements resolved quickly only to later be petitioned back to family court months or a year later. What happened during that time period? What changed? My thoughts are this; once the dust settles and the emotional state is back to baseline and the stress of court is behind you, is when the true intentions are seen. Maybe one parent lets the kids stay up late? Maybe you want a strict diet and the other parents feed them pizza every night? Maybe the children report back to you all the fun they’re having with the other parents resulting in feelings of guilt and envy? Once you allow these uncontrolled events to take over you start to parent out of fear. Fear of losing your kids, fear of losing your status, and oh my, what if the kids want to live with the other parent one day? You start to struggle to hold on to your parenting skills, you yell more, you place more restrictions on the kids, you maybe start badmouthing the other parent to gain some level of security. All these behaviors will lead to parental alienation.
Using the child’s impressionable mind to ease your fears is abusive and creates unhealthy co-dependency. Small things that you wouldn’t think make an impact, example, you pick your kids up from the other parent, then hop in the car and see your visibly upset-then ask, “are you ok?” and you may reply with, “No, I missed you guys so much I’m sad”. You have now started down the path of coercive control. Your reaction, although may be true, was displayed out of fear. Therefore, teaching the young children that leaving you means making you sad.
At this point you start thinking, “well maybe the kids are spending too much time with parent B”, if you had more time with them then they would automatically want to be around you more, love you more. Fear based parenting is defined by Dr.Stuart Ablon, clinical psychologist as, “when parents use power and control to try to get their kids to comply with expectations” However, we’ve seen over and over that parents never set new expectations during divorce with their children-leading to confusion. Naturally, a child’s only expectation is to be loved and cared for. They’re not to be expected to participate in the setting new boundaries, new rules, and new acceptable behaviors from their parents. Once we place those tasks onto children is when we see grave harm happen both physically and mentally. What started with one parents’ insecurities can rapidly turn into parental alienation if they’re not emotionally healthy enough to seek help outside of their child.
The fear of losing a relationship based off personal feelings must be addressed. To take action on those emotions using the children as soundingboards is abusive. I was told about how my stepdaughter mother started crying one night because her daughter told her that her grandma makes the best popcorn! Mom’s fear-based reaction was to get physically upset in front of the child to get a response, which she did. The child reassured her mother that she also makes good popcorn. Promoting this behavior in front of children closes off their opinions, feelings, needs and growth. I’ve witnessed it myself, where a child as young as 8 will withhold their needs in fear of upsetting their parent or caretaker. This alienates the child from being taken care of by the other parent, even thought the parent as no idea what is happening outside their home and without being able to care for and tend to our children, we miss valuable interpersonal relationship building experiences that encourage healthy mental health and growth within the child(ren).
*Summer Johnson is a paralegal, public policy professional, wife and mother. She has been mildly alienated from her step children resulting in years of court appearance, libel and slander. Summer also works as the CEO of the nonprofit, New York Families for Tomorrow, CORP. (family law reform and shared parenting policy measures) along with volunteering with several other family advocacy organizations.
@MrsJohnson1776
The views and opinions expressed here are held only by Summer Johnson and are not intended as legal advice, research or medical advice.
